Philippians 4:6-7 (New King James Version)

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    This was the verse that Jesus gave me a week ago Sunday.   I’ve been wanting to blog about it since then, but it seems hard to find the time just now.   With homeschooling added to life with five small children, the days just keep getting busier!  

    First, I need to thank everyone for your prayers for me this round of chemo.    I have been weaker, but not tormented by the mouth sores and neuropothy of the last round.   Several other side effects that I’ve gotten every time (like severe diarrhea) have just  not happened at all!   I am so grateful!   Thank you for caring about me and asking the Lord to help me through this round!   Only one more to go.   Hurray!

    After the last round, I have found myself fairly tormented by the realization that the relative safety of chemo is fast receding, and the great unknown of surgery lies ahead.   I was so troubled and distressed, not certain of how to proceed, but certain that proceed I must!    I finally decided to take some time Sunday afternoon to really pray and seek direction.

Everyone was napping, and I curled up with my Bible and a study I am working on.   It was quite an armchair journey, it seemed everything I read was with a purpose!   The verse I opened with was the cumulation, and the answer from the Source of peace that I was seeking.   

As I read, It felt like God and I were having a mental conversation, BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING.  “Carlee, you are so anxious.”   “I know I am!   I hate it, but I feel so uncertain and distressed!   I can’t manufacture peace!   What am I supposed to do?” I read on, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUEST TO GOD.   “That’s your answer!  Bring all this distress you feel, all of the questions you need answered, and unload it on me... I’m big enough for it, and I’m also the only One who knows the path you need to be taking.”   “I know all that, but that seems a bit surreal, and I need real-world answers here.”

AND THE PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING... “I already knew this would challenge you!  This is the part where you stop controlling and start trusting.    That ‘surpasses all understanding’ part means that to you it doesn’t make sense - it isn’t any less true, though!”  “But  what will happen if I truly just presented my case to You and leave it at that?   What about all of the tormented wonderings that are flitting constantly through my mind?”

PEACE... WILL GUARD YOUR HEART AND MIND.   “Then  I stand as Gatekeeper, and this torment you’ve been tolerating will have to check in with Me before gaining entrance.”   “How did you know the problem I would be facing and already write the solution ahead of time?   God, you’re amazing!”

So, I decided to risk it.   Why does it feel so risky to lay down my silly worrying... like I was accomplishing anything anyway!    I cried and sniffled and told the Lord all of the things He already knew.   It was a relief to express it just the same!  

And somehow clarity began to emerge from the fog, and a bit of hope that I would actually be able to be at peace with the final decisions that need to be made.   I felt like the mastectomy date I had set was NOT the right timing, and I started getting some ideas for better timing.   I also felt some direction regarding the pursuit of some second opinions and confirmation that the counsel we’ve been given is the right direction for us.

And then the peace came.    I don’t know why the formula works, maybe because I knew my concerns had been presented to the only One who actually knows the what the outcome of this all should be.   I’m just happy to report that the promised peace has been my companion over these last ten days.   It hasn’t been once and done!   I have needed to keep presenting my requests, and the “with thanksgiving” part has been a challenge at times.   I’m learning, though!

We are talking and researching and pursuing solutions.... trying to be certain that the medical decisions we make are wise and right for us.   The ultimate decision maker will be peace - when I can stand without doubts and second guessing, I’ll know that we’re ready to proceed.

I think we’re making progress, though definitely not at that destination.    I guess that’s the new prayer request, pray that I’ll know what questions to ask and be directed where to find the answers. 

Sorry for being so wordy!   Being succinct is not a strong point, especially with this foggy chemo-brain!   I’ll let you know what’s next.... when I know!