Well, I wouldn’t suggest it to anyone, but as the nurse weighed me at my oncologists, I had indeed lost a few pounds.   Mastectomy surgery has a way of doing that to you... and I think it was the only time I wasn’t glad to see the scale go down!   Five babies in the last seven years hasn’t exactly been kind to my waistline.   It surely has filled my house with treasure, though!

I lost more than my breasts last week, I lost a lot of blood.   My counts were already low, and during surgery I received a transfusion of my own blood, I had donated it the week before.   My doctors were pretty concerned and the day after surgery my counts hadn’t gone down, but hadn’t gone up really either.   They said we’d talk transfusion on Sunday.    By God’s grace, on Sunday my counts had begun to move up just a bit, and I didn’t have to do that.

My blood is still low, and recovery has been slow, so I would be grateful if you would keep praying that the Lord will help my body to restore itself.   I am indeed so grateful for your prayers.   There have been some very dark shadows this last week, but also some places of blessing and peace.

I also lost a lot of lymph nodes.   Two on the left side, where we rejoice to report that NO CANCER was found.   Hurray!   Seventeen on the right side, where six showed signs of having been full of cancer that was destroyed by the chemo.   Only scar tissue remained.   Hurray again!  

In the right breast, where my tumor had been 95% aggressive invasive, and only 5% of the low lying, slower moving, ductal carcinoma in situ - they found no trace of the aggressive cancer.   It is gone.   Hurray, Hurray, HURRAY!   These are excellent results, and my spirits are preparing to soar...

But there is a silver bullet, splicing through that good news, that has been threatening to tail-spin Nathaniel and I.   In one lymph node, a small aggressive tumor was found.   It is tiny, just 1.2 centimeters.   But it’s there.   In my lymph node.   The gateway to the rest of my body.  

No one is sure how it survived the chemo that destroyed everything else.   And no one knows if it is the only one... or if in the lymph nodes that remain in me, higher up and deeper in, if there are more little tumors.  

Terrible thought and blessed thought!   It isn’t gone!   That horrible little tumor means that somewhere the aggressive cancer survived.   We still don’t know if radiation can clean up what remains.   What does remain?    Yet it IS gone, that surgery means that tiny tumor is no longer spreading in me.    Maybe by God’s grace it is the only one, and He guided my doctor’s hand so that she got it....

They also found extensive cancer in my lymph system, the ducts and pathways leading between them.   The cancer had spread into them, possibly following those little roads to other destinations.   Once again, there is no certainty that ALL has been removed of the lymph system.   And thus we have radiation scheduled in January.

Hopefully radiation will clean it all up, get the little pieces that could have been left by surgery.   That was the plan from the beginning.    But that little tumor has my doctor’s scratching their heads.  They have admitted their uncertainty, and my pathology reports are being sent to other experts around the country.  

The other option is to take chemo again, this time DURING my radiation.   Better results in killing the cancer perhaps, but also a much deeper toll on my body.   That is the question being asked of these other specialists, is more chemo worth the risk?   I desperately hope they say NO!   And then, in my mind, I see the six sets of blue eyes that make up my sweet little family, and I’m determined to do whatever I must to beat this nasty thing.

The truth is, only God knows if there is more cancer and how we should beat it.    I am crying out to Him that my reports would fall into that hands of wise counselors, and that once again He would guide and direct us as we choose treatment.   How I praise Him for His guidance thus far!   I came 99% of the way to choosing to NOT have my lymph nodes removed, I was certain cancer was not there.   But my peace eroded, and I prayerfully changed my mind.   How I have rejoiced that as a result, that little aggressive tumor is gone from me!

We wanted a quick, easy recovery.   It has been slow and hard.   We wanted a clear cut clean pathology report.   It has filled us with questions and uncertainty.   In all honesty, it felt like a death sentence yesterday.    Maybe I’m not going to get better.   It has been a really hard thought to face again.

I was crying in a restaurant last night, Nathan had stepped away from the table and my tears were flowing.   Wow, satan jumps on bad new with a lot of dark thoughts, and I was suddenly drowning in them.   Like a shaft of light, Truth broke through.   My trust is not in a pathology report!   It never has been, and it never will be.   My trust is in the Lord!   He is my Keeper, my Maker.... He knows if there is more cancer and what the end result will be.   He will be faithful through this all, I know it.   I would be rejoicing if all is well, but that could have been because the Doctor had missed the tumor in the lymph node.    No, truly, my only trust is in the Lord.

So that brings us up to this morning, where I’m still going through the kleenex as I write this.   We’re a bit worn down by a week of pain and loss.   How grateful I am for the prayers of so many, for the loving kindness of dear friends and fellow believers here in Anchorage that has blessed and uplifted us.

It seems like we’ll be here in Anchorage at least through the 17th.   I’m missing my wee ones with an intense ache, but I know they’re doing well in the care of Mimi and Aunt Dani.    I think my blood restoration has a lot to do with my slow recovery, and I am praying that my counts will return to healthy and that I can soon be stronger and in less pain.

Thank you a thousand times, dear people that hold us in your hearts and prayers.   Pray for my sweet husband, his burden is great.   Pray for my Mom too, she went through all of this here and then off to care for wee ones and It’s a lot to bear.   Pray that we would be faithful to the Lord and the Truth in the face of many questions.   And please pray, that if it would be the Lord’s will, that this cancer would indeed be destroyed, that radiation would be successful, and that I get to be Nathaniel’s wife and my children’s Mommy for a LONG time!