In Ruth 2:12, Boaz speaks this way to Ruth about the Lord,  “… the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge.”   That was the verse that the same Lord spoke to Nathan this morning, and we have been huddled tearfully yet safely under those very wings all day.                                                                                       I slipped in early this morning to find out that Caleb had passed a difficult night.   His oxygen was at 30 when we left last night, and he had been upped to 60 just to keep him at the right place.  He was trembling and irritable, his little cry just breaks a Mommy’s heart.                                                                   It was a long day of bad news, with one little ray of sunshine.  His struggle could have had two causes, congenitive heart problems or underdeveloped lungs.   The good news is that the heart problems were ruled out, and the lungs are the issue.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            He has had a day of many struggles and really no significant victories.  Just about an hour ago I left his side so that they could install a ventilator, a step we had hoped we wouldn’t have to take.                                                                       Before I left him the nurse let me change his diaper, and it was the sweetest diaper change of my life. They told me he hates having it done, but he just rested sweetly while I changed him, and I just delighted in what I think is the cutest little bum I’ve ever seen!                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It’s so hard to walk away!  Though they had welcomed me to stay, they also warned that it wasn’t going to be an easy process to see, and figured it would be wiser to pray elsewhere.   What a blessing to know that he is resting in the refuge of those same wings.                                                                                                                     They have had to go through his umbilical cord because every vein on his little body has been tapped out… they actually have an IV in through a vein on his head now.  His little body is doing a lot of trembling and shaking and they aren’t exactly sure why, it just seems to be his response to the distress.  He is on a morphine drip because such a long night and then day of tests and pokes and prods have just left him with no reserves.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       One sweet thing to me was when I came in during his heart ultrasound.   He was crying out and fighting with his fists against the process.   The NICU staff is so good about letting me just join in to whatever is going on, encouraging us to be close and talking to him, unless the procedure is going to be really difficult to see.  So I stepped close and reached through a hole in the crowd around him to let him squeeze my finger.  At the sound of my voice he immediately lay quietly and didn’t whimper or fuss again.   Isn’t God good to let those wee ones hear their Mommy’s voice in the womb so that it can give them comfort even in their earliest days!   It felt for just a minute like I was doing something to help, and that was so reviving to my heart.                                            The word given to us is that he is in a dangerous place.   It could easily turn for better or worse.   He’ll be there at least a week due to the antibiotics, and it could be a month or more according to them.   Jesus knows, and we’re laying that at His feet.  In the midst of it all, we’re still talking and working on my cancer situation.   Monday through Wednesday are full of tests and meetings.   I feel so divided!  I want to be with my children who are staying at a wonderful place across town.   As they left my hospital room last night, Kate realized I wasn’t coming and stopped in the doorway.  “But Mommy! I want to keep you!”   Oh, how I want to keep them too!   And then I want to be in NICU constantly, somehow hoping that my presence would bring comfort to a wee fellow who has had a really rough start to his first two days on earth.   After that, I want to fight this cancer and learn all I can and be proactive about treatments.                                                        But it seems that I’m fairly unable to do any of these things well, so instead I just keep running in my heart to those wings of refuge, and hiding there, trusting in the One who has led my life so well thus far.   I know He can continue to navigate it best, and I trust Him to do it.