Sunday night, Nathan and I faced the realization that we had to change our focus from wee Caleb in NICU to the collection of tests and doctor’s visits waiting us this week, plus the surgery for my lymph node test and installing the groshan catheter for my chemo on Wednesday.   It was a really overwhelming time, I just wanted to forget that I had cancer and pretend the only issue was that sweet baby in his little struggle for life over at ICU.                                                                        `                                                                                                                                                                                      But we couldn’t, so the night ended with us tearfully lifting it all up to the Lord, very overwhelmed and exhausted, we kind of cried and prayed ourselves to sleep, not even remembering to change out of our clothing!   (I awoke a few hours later with all the lights on and decided it was too late to worry about pj’s)                                                                                                                            `                                                                                                                                                    So Monday dawned, the day I had dreaded, and I awoke to find that mercy and grace had made a room visit, and that joy truly does come in the morning.   I know people must have been praying, we were so carried through such a long day!   We headed to NICU before the shift change at 7 AM, and to our delight found that Caleb is beginning to be weaned off of oxygen!   Praise the Lord!   The nurses said it had been a very good night, and he was resting so peacefully, not fighting the ventilator at all.   What sunshine that news shed on our day!                                        `                                                                                                                                                    We got ready for the day of tests, and Nathaniel played a song that my brother Scott had recorded a long time ago, his english translation of one of the songs they sing in Ukraine. The words were amazing for where we are at, and the sound of my big brother’s voice (even though he had a cold when he recorded it!) was really comforting.   The words stayed with me all day, “In the shadow of Your wings I will hide, and there I’ll find Your peace and safety.” If you’d like to hear it, I’ve linked to it here...                                                                                                       `                                                                                                                                                    The morning went so well, and Nathan and I really just enjoyed each other’s company as we trekked from office to office for tests, etc.   He’s just the best, keeps my smiling as we face all of these new things!   What a blessing to be his wife!                                                                        `                                                                                                                                                 The best news of the day came when I called NICU around lunch time.   Caleb’s oxygen had been at 100% yesterday, but by noon he was down to 60% and holding his own.   Praise the Lord!   What a huge step in the right direction!    Then came the cherry on top... the nurse said that it would be safe for me to hold him this evening!   I burst into tears right there in radiology!   She said it will have to be for about 90 minutes though, it would be too much to move him for just a little while.   I couldn’t have been more delighted, this was better than Christmas!                                    `                                                                                                                                                  But I learned again a lesson I thought I had been mastering:  Hold all things loosely.   A few hours later as I was injected with radioactive material for a bone scan, I was told that I needed to stay away from Caleb for 24 hours.... just about when I get the next radioactive injection for my Wednesday morning surgery.                                                                                                       `                                                                                                                                                 It felt like a punch in the gut!    It is so easy to put hope in such a little thing like an evening of holding that little man.   But even in the midst of that aching that I just can’t describe, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart.   You know, we have a choice at times about what scars us.   We can choose to acknowledge the Lord as good, or we can choose to nurse our wounds and listen to the dissenting whispers of the enemy.   I could just sense the Lord speaking to my heart that He was offering me grace if I would trust Him even when this precious gift was being taken from me.           `                                                                                                                                                 And HE was right.  Another thing to hold loosely, another place to trust, and another outpouring of grace.   It’s not that I am not grieving the loss of this evening with Caleb, but I am looking with joy to the hope of many evenings ahead when I can hold him as long as my heart desires.   I don’t know what it will take to get there, but I am hopeful that such a time is coming.   To those of you who prayed for me today, Thank you!  I think you were part of this not being as devastating as the enemy wanted to make it.                                                                                                           `                                                                                                                                                 So, we spent a special evening with the children and my Mom and Sister,  and now tomorrow is upon us.   More doctor visits, another scan and injection... And a step further into this journey.   It’s been a rugged climb so far, but there have been some really special views along the way as well.   THe best view of all will be Caleb’s face with no tubes, no ventilator, just a soft cheek that I’m actually allowed to kiss!