Well, it’s almost 3 AM, and I just finished feeding wee Caleb.   What a good little man he is!   He downed his 2 oz. without a problem, and burped nicely.   What more could a mommy want? :)  At his doctor’s visit today she declared him healthy in every regard, and not only that... HE GAINED 4oz. IN FOUR DAYS!   That’s terrific!      

On Wednesday I was robbed of my smile, and I am missing it sorely.   Just that morning I had an appointment with my surgeon, and her receptionist had told me that I had a wonderful smile.   Just a few hours later I was standing at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and I was pouring on the “wonderful smile” and the guy just wouldn’t smile back.   I was purposely trying to make sure my eyes were sparkling.   He never even thought of returning it.   I guess I’m pretty used to having someone smile back at me, because his lack of response was really bumming me out!   Okay, so he couldn’t see me smile because I was wearing mask... but I was sincerely trying to make my eyes look friendly.   I know that he was thinking “germaphobe!”       

They’ve had outbreaks of swine flu here in Anchorage, and on the news in some doctor’s office I heard them say, “If you are uncomfortable, wear a mask.”   And I wondered what kind of crazy person actually does that.   I am sure he thought I was just that kind of crazy person.      

I had to wear a mask again to Caleb’s well visit, and had called ahead to make sure that I wouldn’t have to be in the waiting room.   They kindly ushered us through to a disinfected room, and even let us leave through a back door.   It was there that I lamented not being able to smile at people through my mask (you know... trying to convince them I am NOT a weird germ-obsessed person who is simply wearing a mask due to swine flu) and the nurse suggested I draw a smile on the outside of my mask.   I love the idea!   Now everyone will smile back! :)          

The whole fuss about the mask is because when I went in for my blood draw this week, we found out that my white cells are really low.   Low enough that they asked me not to go into public at all if possible for the next little while.   With this being my first round of chemo, it is a bit unusual for it to dip so severely, and as a result I will be getting a nuelasta shot now after every chemo treatment.  It is a shot given 24 hours after your chemo and it helps to raise your white blood cell levels.   They don’t usually give it with the chemo regimen that I am on, but I guess my numbers were low enough to warrant some special treatment... and a mask!          

So, I’m not going out in public (except for Caleb’s first check up, I couldn’t miss that!), and we’re washing everything like crazy, and trusting the Lord to keep my body safe from infection.  I was surprised to learn at this place, I wouldn’t even really run a fever, because it is your white blood cells that create fever when your body is fighting infection, and I don’t have any to fight!   Hopefully in the next week my body will start to produce them again, it’s just a little touchy here in the middle spot between treatments.       

In the midst of this, I have found great blessing in a quote sent to me by my dear Aunt Norma.   She is one of the loveliest followers of Jesus I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and her beauty has not been developed on easy roads.   She sent to Nathan and I this quote and told us that it has held her and Uncle Dave in difficult places, and I can see why.  It is by Alan Redpath,

"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing -- that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me.   If it has come that far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment.   But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is.   That is the rest of victory."  

Those words leapt out at me.   Great Purpose.   I can do this, by God’s grace, if indeed there is a purpose in it all.   I can even wear these silly masks, I can take the pricks and pokes and blood draws, and separation from Nathan, and the decreased energy, and the shadows looming ahead if there is a purpose.  

But I also know that I can’t demand to know the purpose, perhaps in my estimation it would not count as great.   I hope it will become clear someday.   Maybe in heaven.   Until then, I DO believe that there is a great purpose here, perhaps it is simply to show those watching us that God is trustworthy, and good even when life is not.   I guess that is the part about resting in the joy of what my Lord is.

So I’ll don my mask, and pencil in a smile, and hold on to those words.   Great purpose.