I sat tonight and listened to my Grandpa share stories about the battle of Iwo Jima where he was wounded in the war.   It was a really special to share the time with him, and I felt honored to be a recipient of his musings.   As the conversation progressed he shared about how you become accustomed to things that can in the first place be so terrifying.   What once horrified you becomes the norm.

I guess it’s kind of how we were created... you can only bear so much distress and then you eventually start to cope.   There have been places through this whole process where I have been deeply overwhelmed, felt pain that feels unbearable, and haven’t wanted to cope with the every day elements of life.   I’m grateful to say they aren’t daily or even often.   Praise God for putting optimism in my psyche!   For the most part I’m just living life, enjoying the moments, grateful for the blessings.

But it’s been a bit harder the last week or so.  Unlike the normal way I operate, I’ve been finding myself so bummed that I have cancer, so disheartened at my physical self, and just so sick of the process.  It’s not typical for me, and I don’t like it.   There is a place in me that wants to write out a permission slip to be mopey, kind of like a day off for good behavior...”After six months of good attempts and general success at being perky, Carlee Hobbs is entitled to one week of a self pity and general grungy feeling.”

But that little voice of truth inside keeps interrupting me just when I’m about to sink into a luxurious bout of the doldrums, “This is when it matters... when it’s hard.    This is when it  counts, when effort is required.”   Who cares if you ace the pop quizzes and fail the final exam?  

I’ve been blessed with several voices of confirmation to that thought.   One came from a sermon by Tony Evans called “God’s Trickbag.”    Oh wow.   He looks at different places where God contradicts Himself in Scripture.   He reminds us that even when you’re doing exactly what you’ve been told,  you can suddenly find yourself in a storm.   Like when Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac.   Not only did it look like the loss of the promise, it was against God’s law to kill!   This is crazy stuff!  

His main illustration was the disciples on the sea when Jesus said to go to the other side.   They’re just busy obeying Him when a storm comes that seems to threaten their very existence.   He said when God puts you in that trick bag with no way out, that He is about to take you to a deeper place spiritually. 

That’s timely encouragement, because I’m feeling the trick bag effect.  One of the things we’re exploring are some alternative treatments, some would even involve going out of the country.   Some have come to us very highly suggested, and it’s all really intriguing.   But it has such a barb, because we both agree that we couldn’t follow these programs and remain in Nome.   Could God really want us to do something that would compromise our calling and purpose?   We are certain that God wants us to be living and serving in Alaska.   Ouch, it’s like a check book that won’t balance! 

Tony Evans makes so many profound statements through the sermon, and one that has deeply struck me is the reminder that while the disciples are in this storm on the sea, and they see Jesus coming towards them, they freak out.   Why?   They don’t recognize him, and that is simply because they weren’t expecting Him in that dark hour.   There is a little fear in me that if I let my “issues” loom to large in my sight that I’ll stop looking for Jesus to come across the sea, stomping my storm under His feet.

Dani wrote a song for me back in the beginning of this whole journey, she calls it “The Climb.”   As a Christmas gift she recorded it with the children so I could have it on my ipod.   It is priceless to me, and in the words I hear her heart of faith for me.   The last verse says, “A while ago I looked up - saw the place where I’m at now and prayed, - “God, I can’t go there, don’t ask me to!” - But now that I’m here - I see the beauty all around me - for Jesus really does make all things new.”

I have to admit I’m not seeing much beauty or newness here.   Maybe I’ve got on the wrong glasses, maybe the storm has become too big in my eyes and is obscuring the identity of the One who walks over these waves.  

I’m going to post Dani’s song here so you can hear it.   And I think maybe I’ll listen again... better yet, I think I’ll sing along! “ So my heart takes courage and my eyes look up...”